Am I in love with grief?

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When your child dies your life becomes nothing but a never ending list of questions. Did I do everything I could? Am I meant to feel this way? How long will this sadness last? Will I ever feel ‘normal’ again?

You often get no clear answers to these questions but you normally get the people around you give you some standard responses like “of course, you did everything’ or ‘it’s completely normal to feel like you do’.

Ive never really asked this question of anyone around me but can you fall in love with your grief? This may sound like a really odd thing to say or even think but its something Ive thought a great deal about. It seems almost uncomfortable to admit but over time the feelings associated with the child you lost seem to merge into one massive “mess” of feelings.

It becomes harder to distinguish between the overwhelming feelings of love and joy and the feelings of sadness and loss. It becomes hard to imagine your life before these intense feelings started and therefore both seem to go hand in hand.

What is one without the other? If one fades then does the other one follow suit? The risk of loosing your feelings of love and joy for your child is so unbelievably scary that you start to weigh up the risk of trying to work on your intense feelings of sadness. Is it worth the risk?

I have to say my feelings around my grief are still as confused as ever, even four years on. Feeling sad has become so normal that I cant remember a time that I didn’t feel this way. That being said, I don’t feel sad every day anymore but when I do have a day where I do, I feel closer to Isla somehow. I wonder if my feelings of sadness reminds me of a time when I felt closer to her, before time had passed and I still relived everything everyday. People say that time heals but I couldn’t disagree more. Time makes me feel further away from Isla and this is soul destroying.

Some days I really feel like I miss my grief. I miss my sadness. I wonder if this is because I feel intensely guilty when I don’t feel this way. Like I’m in some way denying her. So you desperately scramble to find your sad thoughts. Believe me this is not hard as they are waiting right there under the surface but why do I need them? Why do I rely on them so much?

The only conclusion I can draw is “I have no idea!”. Who knows how you untangle these emotions, maybe I never will. If I find an answer Ill be sure to let you know.

 

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